Smirkdirk's Blog

Amazon Review: The Secret Saved My Life!!!

smirkdirk — Wed, 14 Sep 2011 11:51:06 +0000

I hadn’t read this book, but now am considering giving it a read after considering the convincing testimonial given by this Amazon.com review!

“The Secret saved my life!, December 4, 2007
By Ari Brouillette
Please allow me to share with you how The Secret changed my life and in a very real and substantive way allowed me to overcome a severe crisis in my personal life. It is well known that the premise of The Secret is the science of attracting the things in life that you desire and need and in removing from your life those things that you dont want. Before finding this book, I knew nothing of these principles, the process of positive visualization, and had actually engaged in reckless behaviors to the point of endangering my own life and wellbeing.
At age 36, I found myself in a medium security prison serving 3-5 years for destruction of government property and public intoxication. This was stiff punishment for drunkenly defecating in a mailbox but as the judge pointed out, this was my third conviction for the exact same crime. I obviously had an alcohol problem and a deep and intense disrespect for the postal system, but even more importantly I was ignoring the very fabric of our metaphysical reality and inviting destructive influences into my life.
My fourth day in prison was the first day that I was allowed in general population and while in the recreation yard I was approached by a prisoner named Marcus who calmly informed me that as a new prisoner I had been purchased by him for three packs of Winston cigarettes and 8 ounces of Pruno (prison wine). Marcus elaborated further that I could expect to be raped by him on a daily basis and that I had pretty eyes.
Needless to say, I was deeply shocked that my life had sunk to this level. Although Ive never been homophobic I was discovering that I was very rape phobic and dismayed by my overall personal street value of roughly $15. I returned to my cell and sat very quietly, searching myself for answers on how I could improve my life and distance myself from harmful outside influences. At that point, in what I consider to be a miraculous moment, my cell mate Jim Norton informed me that he knew about the Marcus situation and that he had something that could solve my problems. He handed me a copy of The Secret. Normally I wouldnt have turned to a self help book to resolve such a severe and immediate threat but I literally didnt have any other available alternatives. I immediately opened the book and began to read.
The first few chapters deal with the essence of something called the Law of Attraction in which a primal universal force is available to us and can be harnessed for the betterment of our lives. The theoretical nature of the first few chapters wasnt exactly putting me at peace. In fact, I had never meditated and had great difficulty with closing out the chaotic noises of the prison and visualizing the positive changes that I so dearly needed. It was when I reached Chapter 6 The Secret to Relationships that I realized how this book could help me distance myself from Marcus and his negative intentions. Starting with chapter six there was a cavity carved into the book and in that cavity was a prison shiv. This particular shiv was a toothbrush with a handle that had been repeatedly melted and ground into a razor sharp point.
The next day in the exercise yard I carried The Secret with me and when Marcus approached me I opened the book and stabbed him in the neck. The next eight weeks in solitary confinement provided ample time to practice positive visualization and the 16 hours per day of absolute darkness made visualization about the only thing that I actually could do. Im not sure that everybodys life will be changed in such a dramatic way by this book but Im very thankful to have found it and will continue to recommend it heartily.”

A Tick Was On My Dick!

smirkdirk — Sat, 09 Jul 2011 04:51:07 +0000

On Wednesday evening, a little before midnight, on the way to sleep while watching some Netflix “Hoarders” with Mrs. Smirk who was already half asleep, I felt a brief sting on the top side shaft of my dick about an inch and a half below the head. I sorta fiddled around with it under covers, not looking at it or anything, and felt a little bump. Quickly the pain subsided. I sorta shrugged it off and fell asleep. (Just a few moment earlier I had thought about trying to get it on with the drowsy Mrs. at the beginning of “Hoarders”, but she was pretty much out, and I was too lazy, and “Hoarders” is a total turn-off, so lucky thing!)

Come Thursday morning I inspected my dick in the shower as well as while dressing. I had what appeared to be a very small scab on my dick. I kind of rubbed on it a little, wondered ‘what the fuck?’ Maybe I, like, zipped my dick up in the zipper or something the day before without realizing it, I thought to myself. You know, like, sometimes you’ll totally like run into something and not think a thing about it, and then later in the shower you’ll have a giant bruise.

Around 11AM the next day at work, I inspected it some more. I wished it would heal. The zipping up of the dick theory was becoming less and less convincing to me, as it well should have. I was sort of at a loss.

My mind wandered back to that chick in the late 90′s who I’d had a two month relationship with. How we totally fucked all the time because I had just got out of a 7 year relationship, the last 3 of which had been completely sexless. And how she, my oasis in the desert at the time, had started crying about three weeks into unprotected sex, saying that she had something to tell me but that I was going to hate her.

Her ex-boyfriend from 6 months ago had the herp. The Herp! And she hadn’t had any symptoms but had never gotten tested either so she didn’t know, and Oh My God, You HATE Me Now, Don’t You!?

‘How long does Herpes stay dormant?’ I asked myself in the work bathroom, my cock in my hand, a smallish scab looking thing staring up at me. It was sorta sore too. It was sore and scabby. Could it be, like, a scab from a sore? A herpe sore, perhaps…PERHAPS!?

To the Googles with nary a stop to bring up private browsing. If you go into my Thursday’s Firefox history right now I my work computer, such searches will come up as:

“Can Herpes go dormant”

“How long can Herpes go dormant” (typically a couple of years, but there have been cases where it has gone dormant for several.)

“Image: Herpes” – this forgivably brings up sores on lips and arms and so on on the first page, and not genital ones. It also pretty much brought up nothing that looked like the scab like thing I had going on.

Plus, holy shit, if it was some sort of herp, how would I convince Mrs. that really, I hadn’t fucked anyone but her it 12 years? She would never believe it!

I put my sore, scabby dick out of my mind for the next few hours until I was through with work. After I was out, I went to my work apartment and changed from my pants into my shorts. Bright afternoon sunlight streamed into the window. I thought to myself, ‘what a great area for a true inspection of this friggin’ thing.’

I took off my pants and positioned myself so that the sunlight shown on my dick. I kinda fiddled with it. Totally like a scab. I picked at it. I didn’t know if I should pick the scab right off, as it seemed as if I could scrape it loose if I dug hard enough. But then, of course, maybe whatever this thing was (the zipper theory came back to mind) the scab meant it was on its way to healing and to pick it off would only leave an open wound.

I picked for a moment more and then it lifted under my nail, just like a little scab, (sorta relieved) but with teeny legs on either side! (total fucking horror!)

Holy Fuck, its a tick! I grabbed the thing between two fingers and pulled! The skin of my dick stretched a bit, but, thankfully, the tick let go.

So, there I stood, a teeny tiny tick grasped in two fingers, and a sad assaulted dick pointing towards the floor, with nothing but a red, raised swollen area where the tick had been.

I wanted to burn the tick! No fire near since I had quit smoking. I wanted to poke the little fucker through the body with a needle! I don’t sew…

I settled for a toilet flush.

And there is the tick on my dick story. Forgive any typos because I’m not proof reading this thing.

And…

I’m actually paranoid as hell about Lyme disease.

______________________________________________________________________________
(to the tune of “Kiss is on My List” by Hall and Oates)
Because a tick – a tick – was on my dick.

Because a tick – a tick – I couldn’t flick.

Because a tick was on my dick / when I looked in sunliiiiight

Transformers 3D – A Review of the Reviews

smirkdirk — Thu, 30 Jun 2011 03:54:28 +0000

Optimus Prime carries poor Peter Travers’ back to his old man bed for a nap. Too much populist effluvia for the lil’ fella. He’s blown a gasket.

Just got back from Transformers 3D. Pretty good. Not great, but recommend for sheer spectacle.

Actually, I feel the need to prop it because between Roger Ebert’s 1-star review and Rolling Stone’s Peter Travers’ ridiculous Zero Star review, I really want to know what exactly these guys were expecting. Without even a joking wink,they’ll happily shove us and our 10 bucks off to Thor and Green Lantern with no guilt, but bring in Michael Bay and its like the end of the world. If Transformers 3 is so bad, I wonder what they give “Transmorphers”?

It sort of pisses me off because if we pair these ultra-negative reviews of Transformers which is easily the special effects spectacle of the year, with the glowing reviews of Tree of Life – and every actual person I know who’s seen Tree of Life (and plunked their money down to see it – something a critic rarely has to do) calls it “unwatchable” – these two reviews together really just come off as intellectual snobbery with no real purpose except to go against the grain, and maybe, possibly garner hits for their respective websites… ya think? RollingStone.com, a music publication, currently has Travers’ zero star review as the main article on their front page, and no doubt it will probably stay there for most of the weekend. Wait, so even as he curses this money-making, whoring tripe, he and his own publication ride its coattails for advertising dollars? Say it ain’t so Joe.

I suppose that Ebert and Travers, even as I type, are shaking their heads over how many more Tree of Life’s could have been made with that Transformer 3 money. You know what? No thanks, and go fuck yourselves.

It’s friggin’ robots that turn into cars based off a Saturday morning cartoon from the 1980′s. Considering its pedigree its pretty fucking good. Why can’t they review it based off of that? My eyeballs were happy. (We also had a pretty pumped crowd in the theatre so it’ll probably be one that’ll be more fun to catch this opening weekend, rather than later in the summer.)

Let me nitpick one of the reviews:

Ebert – “…incomprehensible Autobots and Decepticons sliced up into spurts of action with no sense of the space they occupy.”

This is a favorite complaint of Ebert’s regarding any action movie he doesn’t like. Here it holds no water. There was no moment in the action – (which could arguably be said to go on to long – I won’t argue that, but it could be argued) – where I didn’t know what was going on from shot to shot or what space I, or the robots, were in. In fact, several times the action went into slow motion so you could enjoy exactly what was happening in full, slo-mo, ultra-dramatic detail. Maybe Ebert needs a new prescription for his glasses, but with a few exceptions, this common complaint of his is beginning to become suspiciously frequent.

Do you think perhaps that its sour grapes, as Travers alludes to in his review? Disappointment that critics really have no effect on the grosses of this type of film – that it is in fact critic proof? So instead of fairly rating it on the popcorn, and bubble gum that it is (a concession they’re more than willing to give 2nd tier superhero flicks Green Lantern and Thor) they instead rate it poorly only to prove to themselves their own cultural impotence? So they have yet another thing to shake their heads sadly over? They’re in mourning. So sad it is, and what a great thing the average movie goer is missing out on in not listening to them, not reading them, not giving their money to the “unwatchable” Tree of Life?

In his review, Peter Travers considers the possibility of his own irrelevance, but misunderstands the reasons for that potential irrelevance.

The movie is far from perfect, but so are these asshole reviews.

Eh – but enough bitching. U2 had a new unreleased song in the movie that worked as the ‘love theme’. Here’s them performing it in Miami a night ago where they namecheck the movie and Michael Bay.

Roger Ebert Reviews a Roller Coaster

smirkdirk — Tue, 28 Jun 2011 21:06:26 +0000

In honor of Roger Ebert’s one star review of Transformers 3 (is anyone really surprised?) I present Roger Ebert’s gripes about Disney’s Space Mountain:

-It was very dim and dark on the coaster.

-There was no context to these asteroids coming at me.

-The dialogue was unintelligible. Just a bunch of screaming.

-The direction was so concerned with frenetic and fast movement I often felt nauseous.

-Obviously not made with any attention to artistic merit or detail. Although smaller in scale I would recommend you just re-ride “The Mouse” at Riverside. Though not nearly as bombastic and loud as Space Mountain, it truly captures the essence of what it is to be a mouse.

Have You Ever Had One Of Those Days?

smirkdirk — Sun, 24 Apr 2011 15:18:24 +0000

Though never a big fan of the Mortal Kombat games, there is something eminently watchable and downright cathartic about this compilation of every single finishing move available in the newest entry.

Something about it brings out my – I don’t know – inner misanthrope.

Enjoy!

Oh no – Banned From Huff-Po!~

smirkdirk — Wed, 23 Feb 2011 15:42:35 +0000

This morning Google News aggregator led me to this article by George Lakoff – What Conservatives Really Want. In it, Mr. Lakoff, a professor of linguistics at UC Berkeley tells us exactly what “conservatives” really want, just like Rush Limbaugh tells you exactly what “liberals” want.

You can go ahead and read the article if you like, but to boil it down, Lakoff’s thesis is that the conservative theology is a patriarchal dominated one that sees the male as the head decision maker. All other strands of the conservative philosophy exist only to reinforce this male-centric point of view. He uses the term “strict father” several times in the article – so many times in fact that , for me anyway, his points were eclipsed by his obsession with the disciplinary father as a mode of metaphor.

I completely disagreed not only with his article, and his stereotyping of conservatives, but his black-and-whiting of complex issues. For an apparently smart guy considering his academic pedigree, his need to dumb down complicated issues with us vs. them mongering – no doubt the same two-sided, stacked mentality that he probably criticizes FOX News for – seems beneath someone employed by UC Berkeley.

I wanted to comment how simple-minded I found the article and logged in with my Smirkdirk Twitter account and posted the following: “Sounds like someone has some Daddy issues. I can’t believe that people are paid to write such drivel. I bet Mr. Laskoff never met a conservative that didn’t beat his wife. Nice stereotyping, Pal.”

My comment was never posted, and within a minute, my HuffPo account was deleted. Was this really that incendiary? I’m asking this of you, Dear Reader. Comment below.

Huffington Post can do what it wants, and remove the comments it deems offensive, and I am in in no way sitting here and crying censorship – however, considering how loose their editorial policy is in regards to their content, – let’s get down to brass tacks, Laskoff is certainly no Hitchens, and neither is HuffPo a Slate or Salon – its telling how tight it is when it comes to criticism of that content.

For an amazingly thorough deconstruction on Lakoff’s article, check out Tritonthink’s post.

The Best Zombie Movie…

smirkdirk — Fri, 18 Feb 2011 15:01:49 +0000

…. Since Zombieland is this three minute video game trailer:

Honestly, even as short as it is, it has officially made my list of the top five zombie films of all time.

Some Thoughts on Hydrophobia

smirkdirk — Sat, 12 Feb 2011 17:18:10 +0000

3 1/2 out of 5 cookies!

Hydrophobia was initially released for $20 in the Xbox Live marketplace at the end of September of 2010. I’d initially downloaded the demo. I was semi-impressed, but not impressed enough to warrant the $20 pricetag. To the developer’s dismay the game garnered only luke-warm reviews and though it remained on the marketplace, the developer reworked the game, addressing the critic’s gripes and released a massive patch for it in January 2011. On top of a complete re-working of the games controls, they also put it on sale at a special price, only five bucks, for a limited time.

Considering the effort the developer went through, almost unheard of in the game industry, but certainly something familiar in the world of film – witness Oliver Stone and his 3 versions of “Alexander” trying to address the critical bashing – and the re-introductory price, how could I not buy this thing?

In fact, if your a gamer, how could you not buy this thing just on principle?

The campaign is pretty straight forward. The main character, Kate, is on a giant ocean-liner, Queen of the World. The introductory cut-scenes show the comparison of the Queen of the World to the Titanic in which it is some 30 times the size of the historical ship. The ship is attacked by terrorists and the adventure begins.

As large as the ship is, within the actual gameplay you never really get to explore much of it. Pretty much all the passages look the same, and a helpful arrow (which I’m guessing was part of the re-working as without it I would have been hopelessly lost, wondering what to do next) shows you which direction to go at all times. The controls felt a lot like Tomb Raider, which worked perfectly.

Graphically, we’re essentially looking at a Playstation 2 or original Xbox Game. There’s a slight sheen over everything so nothing really stands out as crisp and clear. Considering the price, this is completely tolerable.

But enough of the criticism. Where the game really shines, and the entire purpose of it, are the water-effects. Although water has been done more beautifully in other games, it has never quite behaved as it does in this game. According to Wikipedia, The HydroEngine was developed for nearly 3 years by Dark Energy Digital. This game is its first showcase, and it is coolio!

Remember in Titanic, when Leo and Kate are trying to escape the innards of the ship as water pours through the hallways? That’s pretty much the entire game, and it is rendered well. You open doors and oceans of water pour through, water laps and rolls back and forth through hallways as you wade through it. Its the highlight of the game and keeps you going through the 3 hour campaign just to see more of it. It also explains the developer’s decision to re-work the game’s weak points since the entire point of it is to showcase the water-effects.

Bottomline: The $5 special is over, but the game is still 1/2 of its original price. For $10 you really can’t go wrong, and you’re also supporting a group that obviously cares about its product in a way that’s rare in not only the game industry, but any industry for that matter. Not many artists respond to critics by actually addressing the concerns – most just get defensive.

The water effects are pretty amazing, and hopefully they will be used in a full-priced, high-budget game so that they can really be put on display in an environment that truly deserves them.

After you finish the campaign there is a second game-mode that’s basically puzzle-solving in which you have the power to control water. Although it was fun to send waves crashing here and there for a bit I didn’t get that far into this part, as sans the story it didn’t really keep me coming back. Lastly, the story ends abruptly, almost episodically, not with so much of a cliff-hanger, but just sort of right in the middle of the action – almost guaranteeing a that this is only the first part of something much larger.

Lots of potential here, and at a bargain price to boot. Here’s the trailer:

Note: I really want to start blogging regularly again, but honestly, it takes me time. It’s not so much the writing, but the editing that turns a 1/2 hour essay into an hour and a half of grammatical correction, picture insertion, re-reading, etc. I also used to be concerned with having a ton of shit to say with a formal intro, body, and conclusion. For sake of more content, and so I actually enjoy it again, I’m gonna try to stop giving a crap so much and just post away – damn the consequences.

Just In Time For Christmas – Girl Talk!

smirkdirk — Fri, 10 Dec 2010 12:54:36 +0000

Girl Talk’s third free mash-up album in as many years is out~ – as usual, there’s moments of this album where you just smile at two, three, even four songs coming together at once.

He’s actually coming to my town on his current tour in January. Tickets only $20! – Plus $10 Ticketmaster charge. Wow, it almost sounded affordable. Regardless, I will be picking a couple up. Here’s one guys thoughts on the live show that I found pretty insightful. Sounds worth a go, even if just as tourist into wannabe hipsterville.

Download HERE: Girl Talk – All Day (Free Download)

Happy Holidays if I don’t make it back here again in a while!

Should I Vote For Alvin Greene

smirkdirk — Tue, 02 Nov 2010 02:26:07 +0000

I’ve had all day to think about this, to soul search so to speak, and I wasn’t going to vote,

but now I’m thinking about it,

thought about how I could make that change,

gonna feel real good,

gonna MAKE a difference,

gonna make it right,

being in South Carolina as I am, how often do I get to vote for a qualified candidate like Alvin Greene for the US Senate. !

Since South Carolina always goes Republican, I rarely vote unless there’s a local issue I care about. But, this is ALVIN FUCKING GREENE! Plus he’s a Democrat so I’d be voting against that tea party shit and Jon Stewart will like me a whole lot! Whatchuthink?

I know everyone’s jealous because any way I vote I get to make a mockery out of the Democratic process, but, hey, maybe someday soon it’ll be your state.

Should I vote? And if so, do I vote for the insane or the membrane?

(Apologies to Michael Jackson)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alvin_Greene