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A little context for this post. This post was originally written for a secondary, personal videogame blog/journal I keep for myself at the website trueachievements.com. True Achievements is a site that tracks Xbox achievements for Xbox players and gives them in-depth analysis of their achievements.

What’s an achievement, you may ask? Each Xbox game comes with 1000 points in achievements. Achievements are won for performing various tasks within specific games. Some of them are easy, for instance The Simpsons Hit & Run game has one called “Easiest Achievement Ever” (Cue Comicbook Guy) and is won by simply pressing the start button for the first time as you start the game. Other achievements can be time-sucking nightmares and completely luck based such as a recent one I got in the racing game Forza Horizon 5 for winning 80 events. On top of all the other things to do in that game, actually winning 80 events can take, literally, days of game play. (Of course this isn’t all done at once, its done over a year of gameplay as you jump in and out of the game.)

So this post is about gaming, and specifically about achievements. The post ends on kind of a downer and I have a hunch there will be a part two to this, because even though its about achievements on the surface, its actually about the value of time. Our lives are finite, and gaming is often seen as a waste of time, of life…. This post is trying to come to grips with that.

If you scroll down my profile to the Achievement Streaks you will find that I’ve recently completed my 4th streak of 69 days. Derp. These are topped by my single 365 day streak where I got exactly one year of achievements daily, back in 2020.

Yeah, so 69 days, and then each time, I purposefully stopped getting achievements for a single day so the streak would stop and I could start again.

If you’re on this site there’s a good likelihood that you, like myself, may suffer from A.O.S, or Achievement Obsession Syndrome. Symptoms include:

*Playing and purchasing games specifically for Gamerscore

*Obsession with completing all the achievements in game

*Looking at the TA score of a game prior to purchase in order to determine the ease of the achievement list

*Not playing games you actually want to play due to the achievement list being too difficult or too easy – depending on the nature of your particular AOS

*Looking at the Gamerscore of other XBoxers first and foremost

*A Pavlovian reaction to the “bloonk” sound of achievements

*Getting a brain-tickle at the shiny, ringy sound of a rare achievement popping.

*Quitting a game as soon as you get all the achievements even though, within the game, there’s still a lot to do.

I’m sure there are many more symptoms and if you think of any more, feel free to comment what they might. But the point remains for many of those in this community, this is a real thing.

My newest achievement goal for this year, after completing all of the 69 day streaks, is to try to surpass 300k by the end of the year. I’m currently at 253K and that has been since my start in 2010.

Since I’ve decided on this new goal, my main path forward has been to wait for the weekly Tuesday sales list on TA, reorder the sale games by price, low to high, and review all the $4.99 or less games for their TA score.

Anything less than 1500 TA is up for potential purchase. I then quickly research each game and if any of them seem fun, I’ll purchase them. (For the record, because of the MS Reward program I have yet to spend any actual money for these games which is a bonus)

In choosing the games I buy, I really try to make sure I’ll enjoy them. I follow another blog by a UK gent who is a real “whore” (his word, not mine) when it comes to easy gamer score. He documents his travails with all sorts of games he wishes he never played, but did so and continues to do so for the achievements. Such is our malady – AOS.

Most of the ones I’ve picked so far have actually been very fun. “Void Gore” something I never would have played has been a joy. Part Defender, Part Vampire Survivors, its a quick pick up and play.

“Speed or Death” – at first a little wonky and glitchy, but some good humor and fair challenge, it has been an enjoyable way to spend a few hours throughout the week.

“Super Blackjack Battle: Turbo Addition” – again, this Blackjack game would never have never caught my eye due to its bizarro title, but basically its just Blackjack with a non-sensical plot built in that comes out of left field. Again, enjoyable.

In fact, the only purchase so far that’s come up short and made me feel like a whore has been, “Disney Classic Games: Aladdin and the Lion King”. It was on sale and I glanced at the TA ratio which made it look pretty easy.

I had actually played The Lion King on the Gameboy Advance back in the 90s for a few hours. I recall that it was extremely difficult and not a lot of fun. Games back then had about an hour or two worth of actual content, but they ramped up the difficulty in order to extend the games to hours upon hours. They weren’t fun. They were exercises in frustration. That said, there is satisfaction when completing something extra hard, and some games thrive on that. Dark Souls, meet your pedigree; Almost any Disney Gameboy game from the 90’s.

I should have been suspicious of the easy TA ratio of the Disney Classics game due to my past experience. Turns out, the game is still harder than hell, but using the TA walkthrough, in these versions you can literally fast forward through the entire game in “Watch” mode, stopping at the moments of achievement popping, spend one minute of playing, pop the achievement, then continue in “Watch” mode to the next area where a ‘cheeve pops. It feels like cheating. It is cheating. But you know what? I don’t care. That’s how I will be getting all the achievements on this one. When I jumped in and attempted to play it for real, it wasn’t very fun.

In the end though, this post is about more than these particulars and these goals – juvenile 69 day streaks, hitting 300k by end of year…

Playing videogames and my own case of AOS is always accompanied by the nagging purposelessness of this hobby. When I die, no one is going to to visit this TA page and be impressed. When I die, my children won’t be visiting my Xbox profile and reviewing all these games I’ve played and say, “Remember when Dad whored his way through Aladdin? Good times.” When I die, this will be meaningless. Yep – depressing.

But, that gets us down a rabbit hole, doesn’t it? For most folks on this Earth, what will be their stamp when they die? For a fortunate few, they will receive accolades in the NYTs upon their deaths. Their creations and impact on the world will live beyond them – but for most of us that won’t be the case. Go ahead, take a moment and Google up some obits. Most of them highlight a persons achievements with their families – their accomplishments as a parent, a sister. Some include their success in their vocation – small successes compared to those we see write ups for in the papers of record.

Most of us are very small, and when we die, except for those close to us, the world essentially doesn’t care. We are one of billions. So, who’s to say that these Xbox achievements and goals are worthless, when to the rest of the world our entire lives are worthless? Playing a few hands of videogame blackjack between calls at work, prepping my mind for the next thing, is that such a wrong thing?

I like this blog. These words I’m writing will be there for my kids and ancestors for a while after I’m gone (assuming TA keeps up their banging business and servers, and blog feature) – This feels semi-permanent, like I created something.

The act of getting achievements isn’t an act of creation, but it is a hobby that puts my brain in a place to create. Let’s me rest. Gives me some distance. Acts as a reset.

My life is better because of achievements. And as the waters get too deep, you may be tempted to ask me, ‘are you trying to convince me, or yourself?’ These games we play can be a solace, a diversion into a shallower place where things aren’t quite so uncomfortable.

So, ummm, 69 day streaks, right? Heh, heh, heh.

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A few weeks ago my wife, my son and myself went to the South Carolina coast, Seabrook Island, and had a spring vacation. We like to beach either in the Spring or Fall. None of us like to roast in the sun, nor enjoy a crowd of half-nude people sweating and generally in their grossest form outside of restrooms (and even then, they’re in their own stall). Although, you can’t really swim, and I do enjoy swimming, the weather on the Southern East Coast will usually allow for casual wading.

A big plus at this particular location is the majority of the beach is dog-friendly until the beginning of April. Like truly dog friendly, meaning no leashes. Kona, our chocolate lab, loved the beach. She interacted with other dogs, fetched balls in the ocean, sniffed interesting, dead sea creatures, thought about rolling on them until I fiercely called out, “Kona, don’t you even think about it!”, etc. Well behaved dogs on a beach are a sight to behold. Their joy is infectious. Giant dog smiles, tails a-wag, the world before them un-ending, and other dogs in the same vibe. By day three, arriving over the dune, the sight of the beach caused Kona to pause and just wag – like wag in giant arcs that you would think would break a lab tail – and take it all in for a few moments; The ocean, the sand both before her and between her toes, this piece of Earth so different from home seemingly made for her. Funny how the magic of the world that age dulls can suddenly shine again when you see it through the eyes pets.

My chosen beach reading was Trevor Noah’s memoir “Born a Crime”. I would love to say I’m a “voracious reader”, but I’m not. I think I make it through two or three books a year. And nothing tough either. Usually some fiction that popped up on my radar. A new Stephen King. An old Stephen King. I used to be a voracious reader. I used to be such a voracious reader that my old voracious reading self would have popped up right now, were time travel possible, and slapped me for using the worn-out cliche’ “voracious reader”. Get a thesaurus he would have said. Anything besides a “voracious reader”. Just be a “reader” with no adjective for the love of God. Voracious should be retired altogether, he would say. Its a word for a high school senior who thinks they’re sounding smart, but they just sound like someone who thinks they’re sounding smart.

My wife read this book about four years ago and probably about every six months when I decide to pick up something to read she once again recommends it. This time it was lying next to Stephen King’s “Billy Summer” and it almost lost to it. But then “Billy Summer” was looking kind of thick on the table next to Trevor’s book. And then I thought about Stephen King’s endings. The first 2/3rds of almost all his books are fantastic, but then about 1/2 of them devolve into movie territory where the protagonist is trying to defeat the antagonist and are stymied at every turn and have to hatch an elaborate plan and… please, Stephen, just wind it up already. You think its suspenseful and twisty and turny, but its killing everything that came before. If I wanted a movie, I’d watch a movie – trust me, its way easier. I looked at Trevor again, that friendly painting of him on the cover, and his humor, and my wife’s four years of recommendations, and the need for “light” beach reading. Trevor it was.

It is a bit ironic that Trevor’s book is as much about him as it is about his mother. In fact, he says it right up front – this book is really about his Mom. The irony comes in that, not far in, I realized that my Mom would have loved this book. My Mom died in January of 2019. Often when she comes to mind these days it is in the context of some sort of media that I’m consuming and I think to myself “She would love this!” And in the old days, I would send her the DVD (honestly, usually it was movies, because as a we’ve established, I’m no longer a voracious reader).

I could be biased because I’m her son and all, but I often found my Mom to have very unique taste in art and media. My wife backs me up in this which just reinforces my take.

My Mom was very into Christianity. Not hypocritical evangelical style Christianity, but true Bible-based, specifically New Testament, Jesus-based Christianity. If Jesus didn’t say it in the red-letter edition of her Bible it probably didn’t matter that much. She did have a soft-spot for Billy Graham – loved that guy. She tried many churches in her life, some with longer-term success, and some never returning to. She never did find that lifelong church of folks. There was always some weird, internal, political thing that came up and pissed her off, or some creepy folks that wheedled their way in and made her uncomfortable. She wanted a church, but she didn’t need a church – her church was in the pages of that Bible, read and re-read, and in the pages of her books about Jesus from the writers/theologians she respected (she was a voracious reader) – folks like the aforementioned Billy Graham, a guy named Reverend Moody, etc.

My Mom played classical piano and had the chops to pull off a lot of crazy compositions by the likes of Mozart, Chopin, Mendelson. This music filled my childhood home. Her playing it, practicing, getting better, absorbed in the notes and the pages, was the soundtrack to my 5 year old self playing Hot Wheels. She was not a play-by-ear musician. She wanted to play those notes exactly as they appeared on the page. She wanted to duplicate the sound that Mozart intended when he wrote it – every pause, every inflection, every press of the pedal.

Movies? She wasn’t really a movie going type unless the subject of the movie was around something she loved. For instance, Milos Forman’s Amadeus was one of her movie jams for obvious reasons. In fact, she was so well-read on Mozart that it really annoyed her how much the film made Salieri the “bad guy”. It annoyed her so much that she actually wrote a letter to Milos Forman advising him that none of his Salieri shit was based on real history and that she felt it was a disservice to true history. Forman wrote her back. Yes, like, I have this two page letter from Milos Forman to my Mom, explaining to her, that, yeah, she was right, but like, Hollywood. She still thought the movie was a masterpiece, particular the music as she was not shy to point out that in her opinion the orchestras that performed the soundtrack were some of the best versions, and likely the most faithful to what Mozart intended.

In her movie watching, she often picked losers that disappointed her. 32 Short Films About Glen Gould, I think that’s what it was called, was a massive disappointment for her. Less about piano and more about the dude’s mental state. To be fair, I could have told her this would be the case. It would be like a mathematician going to A Beautiful Mind for the math.

It was sometime in the 00’s, I had settled into my 30’s and into a relationship with my Mom that was two adults who enjoyed one another’s company rather than a Parent/Child relationship. We only saw each other in person once per year, if that, so often it was just a monthly phone call. I would often talk about movies which she hadn’t seen. To remedy this I sent her a TV with a built-in DVD player, and then began sending her films. One of the first out-of-left-field mailings to her was Dumb and Dumber. I thought it was hilarious, and though my Mom skewed more high-brow, I figured what the hell? She loved it. I began sending her all kinds of films with bawdy humor. My wife was perplexed. Here was this cultured woman who was a gardener/horticulturalist by trade, fancy restaurant piano gigger by night, deeply religious and well read, but who became a massive fan of Will Ferrell. In particular she loved Talladega Nights – a movie about NASCAR which she knew nothing about, with potential sacrilegious content (all that baby Jesus stuff), and wall to wall raunch – and in discussing the film she would just relive the scenes over and over as she described ‘and that one part when…’ and often not finish the description as she succumbed to her own giggle-fit.

My wife sent her “Chocolat” on Valentine’s Day with a matching box of Godiva chocolates. My mom confided in me later that she hated that movie. It was trying too hard. When she visited my wife would try to put on Chocolat as the evening entertainment if it was that kind of evening and my mom always pooh-poohed the idea. I finally had to tell my wife my Mom’s real opinion of one of my wife’s favorite movies so the charade could just stop. My wife was slightly insulted, but also even more perplexed. The film had a snooty, filmic pedigree, was about a single mother who was living a courageous alternative lifestyle as a single mother and business owner, bucking all the expectations and demands that the world was attempting to foist upon her. It felt like the character was an analogue to my Mom who had divorced, sold the house, bought an RV and moved to California and became a National Park employee until she ran out of money – and yet, she hated this movie. I couldn’t really explain it either, but it must have just been the movie’s own sureness of itself, the unquestioning nature of the main character who never for a moment second-guesses herself and her purpose. That was not my Mom. My mom was always questioning, always getting opinions and second-opinions from those she considered smarter and wiser than herself. She was never that sure that the decisions she was making were the right ones, but once she did make them, she pretty much stuck to them.

And so this book, Trever Noah’s, I imagine her loving. Possibly even more than Talladega Nights. The humor was there, but then there was a true exploration of this South African culture that she knew nothing about and would have found fascinating, plus so much heart and tragedy. She would have adored Trevor, but alas, I never got a chance to introduce them.

Other things over the past 5 years that I’ve come across that I think she would have adored which she never would have found herself include Daddy’s Home, “Get Along” by Kenny Chesney, the Elton John musical (she loved Elton. Called him the Mozart of our century – I actually don’t think she would have loved the movie, but she would have watched it and absorbed it as a fan of Elton knowing that he produced it and it was the way he wanted it), and Bridesmaids.

I think Bridesmaids is the biggest miss here. If she thought the toilet scene from Dumb and Dumber was hilarious, the toilet scene in Bridesmaids outdoes it in every way. Plus, its ladies, and all of the gross out humor she’d been watching was male driven. The characters, the humor and all of the heart that is in Bridesmaids probably would have eclipsed all of the other bawdy modern comedies for her – it would have been her apex, the Everest of gross out comedies.

But my point here is not what comedies, books, music my Mom liked. Its the way that identifying something that someone who has passed would have loved is its own sort of tribute. It brings its own heartache with it. Boy, I would have loved to talk about Trevor’s book with my Mom. How would that conversation have gone? Would it have been just a little different than just discussing the hilarity of Jim Carrey’s “pumpkin pie haircut” because the book itself is a tribute to Trevor’s own Mom? I don’t know, but I can imagine that maybe it would be. I can imagine what she might think or say about it. In a way, that imagination of a conversation that never happened, brings her alive again in my own mind. It conjures a spirit, her personality, what have you. Bittersweet.

I like it though. As much as it can ache facing the reality that the conversation will never happen – she will never see that film, read that book, or hear that song – in that moment when I identify that she would have loved this, it feels like maybe she hasn’t been gone 5 years. That maybe I can pop onto Amazon and send that disc out to her. And then the sad reminder comes. There is no zip code to get it there.

But too, this longing to share something with someone who has passed keeps me on my toes, keeps me on the lookout for things to share with those who are living. Would my son like this game? Would my wife like this Sirius XM station? Would my daughter dig this movie? Its a gift reminding me to live in the present, to live with the living.

I recommended Trevor Noah’s book to my daughter when I last saw her two weeks ago. She advised that she’d read it, but still needed to finish the last 20 pages or so. I hadn’t expected her to have read it. I knew she liked his work from the Daily Show, but wouldn’t have known she read the book too. We spent time guffawing over the funny parts. And, I didn’t have to imagine the conversation.

Photos: A very happy and beach-afied chocolate lab

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Currently on an early spring get away on John’s Island, the Seabrook Island neighborhood to be specific. The VRBO the wife chose has been perfect – a 3-bedroom with vaulted ceilings, all new kitchen, and monstrous 80″ tv to hook the Xbox up to. We have our own room, Tommy who’s accompanying us has his own room, and Kona, the chocolate lab has claimed the last room for herself. Really. She thinks she has her own bedroom. Its right off the living room, the center of all the action, so she can nap on the bed while still making sure she doesn’t miss anything in case someone gets up to get some food, go outside, or do anything else that may be interesting.

We got here last Sunday, and are due to depart tomorrow. Bummer.

Last night, Tommy decided to boot up Resident Evil 5. We’d actually begun a co-op game 3 years ago and we knew exactly which chapter we were on, due to the achievements showing I had last completed chapter 6.1 in November of 2021. That Fall get away had been to Murrell’s Inlet SC. Most of our get aways tend to be beach trips to Carolina Coasts. Its usually a 4 to 6 hour drive, feels like a real getaway, and is a complete opposite of our mountain home.

We got through chapters 6.2 and 6.3 last night. We’ll probably pick it up again tonight and finish it off. But if we don’t, who knows, we may pick it up again 3 years from now.

The fact that a time stamped achievement system reminded us of where we were in the game we hadn’t touched in 3 years, where we were on this earth 3 years ago, where we were in our lives 3 years ago was compelling. It made me think that I wished I had a diary of sorts, something more detailed, more permanent to track this life, these memories. Made me remember this blog. What if I started it up again, but this time without a theme or purpose other than just for me? Maybe – maybe that will happen.

Chris: Hey Sheva, should I start up this blog again? Sheva: (glares at the audience)

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3 1/2 out of 5 Cookies

As an 8 year old in 1978 I vividly recall attending Superman with Christopher Reeve at my local theatre with a friend. We attended sans parents and, in fact, walked to the tiny local movie theatre, a single screen venue in a concrete rectangular building with a small popcorn counter. I also saw Star Wars and the Jeff Bridge’s version of King Kong in that uno-plex of long ago.

It was a different time to be sure. Not only did we walk to the movie theatre unaccompanied, but back then movie theatres played the same couple of movies all summer long, as opposed to these days when some entertainment news outlets already proclaimed Man of Steel a loser on Friday morning due to some less than stellar reviews during Thursday night’s screening. We live in a jaded time to be sure. A time when entertainment often seems like so much detritus and is rarely gazed upon thoughtfully, critically, or even as art. They are, in their lowest common denominator, seen as commodity, worth only as much as their opening weekend box office. So often movies seem chewed up and spit out before the flavor has even soaked in with the next item already being consumed mid-vomitus. Last week’s output already is considered hopelessly dated and 6 months ago is forever.

But, yeah, it was a different time. My pal and I walked to the theatre to see Superman and flew home – as literally as we could anyway. I recall running along the sidewalk, arms outstretched in Superman’s signature style pretending to fly. I also remember being sort of freaked out by Lois Lane’s death by earthquake – Margot Kidder being buried in gravel until it was filling her mouth.

Gravel: Its what’s for dinner.

A few years later, still a kid and highly susceptible to movie magic, Superman II came out. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that the original could be topped, but here was Superman throwing around city buses with 3 bad guys with his same super powers. Some of these effects still hold up today as far as I’m concerned.

In short, as far as superheroes go, I’m a Superman kind of guy. But as far as that goes, I’ll be the first to admit that besides those two movies, Superman has never been done right. Superman III was a total wash and I don’t think I’ve seen it all the way through – ever. It’s not for lack of trying either. It just doesn’t keep my interest long enough to prevent me from giving up on it or falling asleep. Superman IV – The Quest For Peace, although certainly Chris Reeve had his heart in the right place when he produced this clunker, the movie is cheesecake and reminds me of everything that’s wrong with squeaky, clean Superman.

All of this preface is to explain that I have a certain personal history with Superman built firmly upon the opinions of my former 8 year old self. Opinions that, right or wrong, are unswayable because you just can’t fucking win against your 8 year old self.

Don’t you have a bill to go and pay? Leave the thinking to those who have time for it.

So when I heard about Man of Steel I was curious. Superman Returns was on par with Superman IV in my book: Cheesecake. A better looking cheesecake to be sure, but cheesecake none the less. In the superhero renaissance that has taken place in the last decade, there just was no place for the extra good good-guy. But Man of Steel, by its title alone, was going for something different. The very moniker was gone.

And when I heard Zack Snyder was directing? I was all in. I will be the first to admit that I am a Snyder fanboy. When I walked out of the Dawn of the Dead remake years ago, I noted his name, and he has yet to disappointment me. Whether you like his movies or not, the man has got a definitive style – and even his less than stellar projects like SuckerPunch have a visual flair to recommend them. His music sequences alone – check out the opening of the aforementioned SuckerPunch, or even better, the opening of Watchmen – are worth the price of admission.

Then the first stills started appearing across my internet feeds about a year and a half ago. A bearded Clark Kent who looked little like the nerd that Christopher Reeve created, and thankfully nothing like the milquetoast from Superman Returns. The supporting cast made my feeds – Russell Crowe, Diane Lane, Kevin Costner. This thing kept looking better and better.

Everything was looking so good I decided to do something I’ve never done before. About six months ago I liked the Facebook page. My Facebook feed starting filling up with bullshit immediately. Links to this and that, promotions here and there, advertising sponsors left and right. None of this stuff was really all that informative or interesting, it was all just shill. After a few weeks I decided to unlike the Facebook page as it was having the opposite of its intended effect. Instead of getting more excited about the movie, I was rapidly becoming less excited about the movie. Despite my unliking of the page, several times a week their posts would still show up in my feed as sponsored content. I resented this terribly as with each succeeding post the little 8 year old inside was becoming more and more suspicious that Man of Steel wasn’t going to fill the Superman void that had been left since 1980.

Look, 60 Ways To Be An Asshole!

And so, Friday night, my 40-some year old self, informed by all the baggage of nostalgia herein described up to this point, drove to the 22 theatre multiplex with my son and took in Man of Steel in a full theatre. I will add, a theatre full of some others who must have also been informed by some edge of excitement, an air of fandom for Superman. How else to explain the whooping as the corporate logos danced across the opening, and clapping and cheering as the end credits came up.

My three and a half cookie review is as follows; This is less a Zack Snyder movie and seems to be more of a project that Snyder was hired to direct. A lot of the things I love about Snyder’s movies in general are not present here. There are no musical interludes or slo-mo sequences. That said, the Americana aspect most clearly seen in the Smallville sequences with Kevin Costner worked for me, and in fact, were the most interesting part of the movie for me. This is not the Superman of my childhood, but he is a Superman I can live with – and for the record, his inner conflicts worked for me. Basically, what didn’t work for me were the action sequences. Shaky cams and nonsensical blurring destroyed the sense of place in many of these portions and really seemed, in a word, lazy. It seems that Zack turned in his slo-mo card used so well in 300, for membership into the Michael Bay school of action wherein if you make it so they can’t see shit, they’ll think they saw some shit. Which just doesn’t work for me.

But you know what? It’s hard to talk about this movie without bringing in Christopher Nolan’s producing credit and his Batman pedigree. It was only in hindsight, after The Dark Knight, that I developed an appreciation for what Nolan brought to the table in Batman Begins. In short, Batman Begin was really just the first part of The Dark Knight. And so too do I hope it is with Man of Steel, that now, with the origin story out of the way, the real movie can begin.

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4 and 1/2 out of 5 Cookies!

Warning: Herein There Be Spoilers

When I started reviewing games on this blog I never thought I’d actually rate one a 5 cookie game. A 5 cookie anything – movie, book, album – is pretty rare. It means it comes pretty damn close to absolute perfection. I would even argue that rating something that high can only be done in hindsight, after a few months, or more realistically YEARS of living with the piece of art or media and still not coming up with any particular weakness or flaw in it.

Hence the 4 and ½ cookie rating for Bioshock Infinite. It quite possibly is a 5 cookie game but not enough time has passed yet to warrant that. Bioshock Infinite does have a few slow spots, particularly in the 3rd and 4th hour of gameplay, but really – even to fault it for that is to go out of your way to find something wrong.

This cookie’s chips per inch quotient is off. Off with the baker’s head!

Gaming is generally seen as a mindless entertainment. At its best it’s an exercise in ersatz visuals and twitching reflexes, at its worst an anti-intellectual time killer, a relief from the boredom of existence. And it can be all of those things. Which are not necessarily bad. But Bioshock Infinite, which I completed on Thursday has stuck with me in the ways the best media do – by keeping my mind going back to the plot threads, the narrative, and the ideas and ideals on display, much like the best movies, music and writing do. In short, it’s an amazingly written game, full of depth and challenge, and open to interpretation and deconstruction.

As a gaming experience it has everything a gamer could ask for. Gorgeous pastel graphics, multiple weapon combinations, some pretty thrilling capabilities such as sky-line riding which comes off as so roller-coaster-esque that when you first do it you can almost feel your stomach lose itself. All of this complements the intriguing story which is at once engrossing, but also challenging in a truly aesthetic sense.

As Booker Dewitt you are thrust into the 1910’s world of a floating cloud city. A city built by one hardcore Christian cult leader Zachary Comstock (no doubt named after Comstock anti-obscenity postal laws of the late 1800’s which proposed to dictate morality) and suspended far above the United States. A city that has seceded from the Union as the Union itself refuses to recognize moral rightness and, most importantly, the racial superiority of the white race. In this ciry, Abraham Lincoln is a race traitor, a tool of the devil even. John Wilkes Booth? A hero worthy of giant statues and fine art celebrating his heroic act. Even George Washington and Ben Franklin are carved in giant statuary portraying them more like Greek gods, rather than mere men.

Hardly anyone notices Mary Lincoln’s beautiful blue bonnet she bought just for the occasion.

Now video games have been thrusting racism and Nazis into their mix for a long, long time. I mean, racists are the go to bad guys. But rather than just having this world exist for the player to have someone to righteously kill, wandering around the city of Bioshock Infinite, Columbia becomes an exercise in the propaganda and brainwashing that go into making such a society. There’s nary a soldier to kill in the first couple hours of the game, as most of the people wandering around the beautiful city are its white citizens and their polite black servants. Parades appear out of nowhere celebrating Comstock the great leader, barbershop quartets sing “God Only Knows” – yes, The Beach Boys song – in the tightest harmonies you’ve heard, with the most sinister undercurrent flowing beneath as the song becomes an ode to a dangerous cult. You’re even given a chance to play racist yourself as you get to throw apples at a mixed race couple who’ve been caught, well, mixing the races. It’s a simplistic message of racism is bad – well no shit Sherlock – but how they get the message across, displaying the indoctrinations methods, the group think, that make it interesting.

And then it gets really interesting. A few hours into the game you are introduced to the Columbia underground, a group of black rebels who have every intention of bringing the city to its knees, led by Daisy Fitzroy. And why shouldn’t they? It’s a horribly racist place built on the backs of people who are figurative and literal prisoners of its racist ideology. Columbia turns into a political and literal war zone between these two factions half-way through the game. Believe it or not, you’ve got other fish to fry that I haven’t even broached yet – mainly you’re in Columbia to rescue a kidnapped girl – so essentially all of these politics are merely a sideshow to your main quest. And yet, it is the politics and this war which elevate this game and its narrative to heights not usually seen in videogames. Daisy, at first a sympathetic figure becomes more and more of a frightening propagandist herself, leading her once-righteous revolution against the racist tyranny, she herself becomes an advocate for genocide against the white citizens of Columbia. And as racist as they are, when you see these misguided white citizens clamoring to escape ships – frantic, screaming, terrified – men, women and children it’s hard not to feel sorry for them. All of this crescendos into a moment when Daisy, once the righteous leader of a much-need revolt, but now tyrant herself, holds a white child in her arms with a gun to his head and screams in bitterness and hatred why it makes sense to murder children: “You need to cut it out at the root!”

And yet, all this spoilerish detail regarding the politics of the game doesn’t even touch on its philosophical entanglements. What is the nature of time? Does predestination exist? Are we constant or are we a result of the decisions we make, the doors we walk through? The game stakes out much of the same territory as Fight Club and Apocalypse Now – and like most great art throughout the ages asks the basic unanswerable questions about what it is to be human. What it means to be born, and what it means to die, and the nature of the time we spend in between those two events. As two of the recurring characters say over and over again, “Lives, lived, will live, Dies, died, will die” Do we make our choices, or do our choices make us?

There’s a lot here, and it’s all presented in such a way that the player never feels lost as to what is going on. Honestly, a lot of games present an outlandish plot leading from one set piece to another – the set pieces being the focus of the designers and the plot being a mere way to link them all together regardless of whether or not it makes sense, and often times it doesn’t. Bioshock Infinite makes sense always.

In closing, in addition to crafting an amazing narrative and a luscious, visually arresting world in which to unfurl it, the creators of Bioshock Infinite have also paid careful attention to the soundscape and music that accent the gaming stage. The standard Mozart is here, as well as Scott Joplin. In addition to this, the creators have also inserted several contemporary songs redone in the jazz stylings of the early 20th century. I’ve embedded some of these below as well as the aforementioned barbershop quartet version of God Only Knows.

I fucking loved this game. You should play it.

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1 and a 1/2 out of 5 Cookies

Epic Mickey 2: The Power of Two is an incredible looking game. I mean, look at that box art. Its a lush, colorful, vibrant world. On top of that, it has got some great ideas like animated operatic musical numbers, delightful 2D gaming sections, and an off-kilter Disney universe that mainly features the characters and art-style of the early Disney – the 1910’s through the 1940’s – rather than the modern Disney universe.

This seems to be heading right into 5-Cookie territory except for three things: Its playability is hampered by less than exact controls, it’s never quite clear where to go or what to do next, and a pretty punishing difficulty level made even more baffling by the fact that its main market is children. In a word, despite amazing art and ideas, as a videogame it’s got issues. Okay, two words; Serious issues.

I’ve listed each of these failures into sub-topics that show how each problem was divided into this would-be masterpiece and notched it from a 5-Cookie to a less than 2 –Cookie game.

The Controls Quotient: Mickey’s main item to interact with the game world is a paint brush which works to spray paint and thinner all over the game world to solidify things, or to make things disappear to get tasks done. While the first Epic Mickey was a Wii exclusive, its control-scheme based primarily on the Wii motion controls that allowed the player to point and aim the controller directly at the screen to paint whatever he or she wanted, this one relies on the right-stick of the controller for all the aiming. It’s an inexact process which is perfectly tolerable in relaxing portions of the game, but becomes infuriating while fighting enemies and bosses which are designed in such a way that you have only a second or two to shoot them, and that precious time is wasted trying to aim and pinpoint the brush.

How I felt trying to aim in Epic Mickey 2

As a platformer Epic Mickey 2 also is tolerable, and you can tell that a lot of inspiration was drawn from the Mario games like Galaxy, Sunshine, and even Super Mario 64. It works but still lacks the precision of a true Mario game. When you’re trying to jump onto a small surface, often you’ll miss, or not grab on. You can easily retry, but hell, getting from point A to point B shouldn’t be a labor.

“The Power of Two” in the game’s subtitle refers to Oswald, your sidekick who stays with you throughout the entire game. Oswald does stuff you, as Mickey, cannot do, such as electrocute baddies, open doors, shock consoles to make stuff happen. Oswald doesn’t really do exactly what you need him to do and is pretty worthless. In fact, Oswald has the power to revive you when you die, but as often as he does it, he just as often ignores your slow melting into the ground ala the Wicked Witch of the West and lets you die. He sucks. And there most certainly would have been a way to give Mickey his abilities and allow the player to rely on themselves instead of rely on a sidekick they have no control over. (Actually, there are some walkthroughs on the web that recommend that even as a single player you keep a second controller handy to take control of Oswald just to make sure shit gets done.)

Optional Oswald shirt in-game Easter Egg in alternate universe

The What The Hell Am I Supposed To Do Next Quotient. I will be honest, if I had 47 hours to devote to this game’s campaign/storyline, I probably would have finished it without help. But seeing as I have a job and other responsibilities, as well as other games I’d love to get to it took me about 2 hours of wandering around clueless to realize that without a walk-through I would be devoting the rest of 2013 to this game. I used IGN’s walkthrough Wiki which wasn’t as thorough as it might have been, but did get the job done.

The problem here was two-fold; Often, the game just didn’t bother to tell you where to go or what to do next. At one point I got stuck so kind of started going back the way I came. Once I realized that that was no solution to my problem, I retraced my steps back and kept moving forward. Sometimes the game actually did bother to tell you what to do next through another character, a gremlin named Gus. Unfortunately, a lot of the time, Gus’ advice is so vague that you don’t even know what exactly he means. The game is a long game as it is – there is no reason to be vague or even have the player question what the next challenge is in order to artificially lengthen it. When part of your challenge is to figure out the next challenge – not good. This feeds right into the next issue…

The Difficulty Quotient: This game is hard. Unnecessarily hard. Especially for kids. Now, while exploring other people’s online thoughts on the game I came across multiple message boards featuring nerd arguments actually arguing that the “dark” aspects of the game were a cue that it was “not for children” and thus the ramped up difficulty level should not be an issue. If your game is emblazoned with a giant Disney logo and features Mickey Mouse on the cover, guess what? It’s for kids. This is not to say that it doesn’t have aspects to it that adults can and will enjoy, but its main market is children.

But that’s beside the point anyway. A difficulty level shouldn’t necessarily be dictated by the age of your customer. The last game I played was Lollipop Chainsaw which is definitely intended for an adult audience, but the difficulty level is completely set by the player. In fact, I praised the game exactly for this feature.

There was a point in Epic Mickey 2, a boss battle about half way through, that I was almost going to just stop playing. I tried and failed for about an hour on Thursday evening, and then again on Friday evening, even bringing the teenager in to take over the Oswald character to see if the co-op may make the battle easier. We tried for about another hour that way, and failed. I threw in the towel and went to bed, pretty much having decided I was done with the game. On Friday morning I decided to give it one last shot and just happened to win the battle. I say “just happened” because I actually didn’t do what the boss battle required me to do – I was trying to do it for about 20 minutes straight and suddenly it jumped to a cutscene. As though the game felt sorry for me but decided to reward me for just surviving as long as I had.

It’s a shame really because I really, really, REALLY want to recommend this game. It’s something that should be seen and experienced because there’s so much there for Disney fans, multimedia art fans, and video game fans. But unfortunately, for basic mechanical issues that would be easily correctible, I just can’t. It’s as though everyone that was on board in this game brought their best to the table except the people in charge of making it eminently playable – basically the video game experts.

Like a Mario game, this one’s got many different worlds, themes, and game spaces all of them with a very old-school Disney flair that is not celebrated and highlighted nearly enough. Just for that it is worth a look. But unlike a Mario game the beauty on the screen is never complemented with ease of use. If I could ask the creators and producers of this game one question it would be, Did you fellas even play your own game? Because you realize that it’s almost unplayable, right? Right?

If this had been a smaller studio and publisher I probably would have rated it 2 out of 5 cookies, but Disney, with gobs of money and experience in making products that appeal across the board to everyone, but especially children should know better than to allow the release of something that is pretty much just going to frustrate their target audience and ultimately, waste their money.

Epic Mickey 2 was released for the Christmas season 2012 and is now generally available in the $30 price range.

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4 out of 5 Cookies

Lollipop Chainsaw from Suda 51 comes close to the greatness that was his previous offering Shadows of the Damned, but doesn’t quite match it. And for the record, Suda 51 is the dude’s name. Like he’s a rapper or something, I’ll allow him to call himself whatever the hell he wants, because he’s damn good at what he does.

Lollipop Chainsaw is 6 levels of comical zombie decapitating fun. You play a cheerleader, Juliet, from a family of zombie hunters that has to rid her town of its zombie infestation with the help of her boyfriend’s head – tragically separated from its body early in the game. The characters and story written by James Gunn, a Troma studios veteran who actually moved into mainstream filmmaking as the the screenwriter of the excellent Dawn of the Dead remake, as well as Slither, and the less than excellent Scooby Doo movie, are a perfect complement to Suda 51’s gaming sensibilities. There’s some fairly hilarious dialogue here. For instance, one of my favorite throw-away bits is when Juliet explains to Nick that she not only kills zombies, but in the past has also killed Sasquatches (evidently they’re dicks), as wells as Frankenberries.

“I killed a whole tribe of Frankenberries once.”

“Frankenberry? Like the cereal!?”

“That’s just propaganda they use to make you trust them!”

A “tribe” of delicious Frankenberries.

Gameplay-wise Lollipop Chainsaw is essentially a bunch of button-mashing. As you power up, your button mashing becomes more effective, but yeah – there’s not a whole lot to learn though there are combos and such if you actually want to count your button presses.

As a huge whiner on this very blog about bosses, I will say this game knows how to do bosses right. Every single level concludes with a pretty epic boss fight. The bosses themselves as well as their fights and subsequent deaths are pretty spectacular, bloody, and, yeah, funny. None of the fights ever bring the game to a halt – and the difficulty settings allow the player to decide just how hard they are. On easy – a baby could kill these bosses which keeps things moving right along for those who are into the game for presentation and story rather than pure challenge. Gamers such as – ahem – myself.

The game isn’t by any means the most graphically impressive game ever, but the creativity and design that went into the characters, levels, and other bits – like “Sparkle Hunting” wherein if you chop of the heads of 3 or more zombies in one swipe the entire action is shown replete with rainbows and hearts rather than blood spurting from their necks as their heads fly northward – give this game a wholly original visual feel that is comparable only to other Suda 51 games.

The last thing I’ll mention is that Juliet lives up to every sexist videogame trope that exists. So much so, that she is actually a satire of the big-titted females that have occupied games since graphics allowed for such objectifying. A bit of ingenious writing actually calls the player out on this objectification. I must admit that as a 40 year old man there were times I felt quite aware of the inherent sexism the game threw back in my face and it was a bit uncomfortable. I’d like to think that this smart game is playing with these tropes in a critical way rather than merely partaking in them, but I think it’s a little of both. If Madonna of the early 90’s produced a videogame, this may well have been it.

I may be being a little generous by ½ of a cookie with my 4 out of 5 cookie rating, however I did find myself returning to play chapters of the game in search of achievements and found the replays a great way to pass the time. Considering that I rarely return to a game once I finish it, this definitely is worth that extra ½ cookie. Lollipop Chainsaw came out in June 2012 and now is about $16 at Amazon. Used copies can be found at Gamestop for around the same price.

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3 Out Of 5 Cookies

Battlefield 3 is the most successful challenger to date to Call of Duty’s first person war shooter dominance. Each succeeding volume of COD outsells the first. I personally know people who play no other game – meaning that they’ve invested not only in the game, but in the entire console just for the one game. Its a shame to let all that processing power go to waste by not giving any other game a chance. But I digress. COD people don’t really listen to this kind of complaining anyway. It is almost as if they are blind to the entire world of video games except for that one. As I look at them as a mysterious entity, so too do they return the gaze wondering why anybody would play anything other than Call of Duty?

Seeing that Call of Duty is the best selling video game franchise of all time, publisher Activision is more than happy to allow this to continue ad infinitum. Their main competitor, however, Electronic Arts sees market share waiting to be stolen. They have both the Medal of Honor series, as well as this here Battlefield series. (Both of this generations Medal of Honor titles, in particular the most recent Warfighter title suffered dismal reviews. For the record, I did play the campaign of the 2010 reboot and found it satisfactory – and will say that there is a “zero-gravity helicopter crash” that was ripped off in 2011 by Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 with their “zero-gravity plane crash” – a segment that they made a huge marketing deal of during the release – thieves.)

People love these games because of the multiplayer. Guess what? I don’t really dig multiplayer so all of my judgments come from the campaigns, their playability, and the enjoyment I derived from the story. Guess what again? I didn’t even play the multiplayer in Battlefield 3 because I bought it used and would have had to pay EA $10 extra bucks for the online pass. So, yeah, I’m here to review the Battlefield 3 campaign, which I guess might be a waste of time because if the mainstream video game press is to be believed nobody – NOBODY – ever plays the campaigns for these COD, MOH, Battlefield games. Which, I’m sure they’re wrong, since I’m positive that Activision has explored what would happen to a COD game’s sales if they released it without a campaign – and needless to say – every single COD game has a 6 to 8 hour campaign, and I’d be willing to bet they will continue. In fact, I think it was the Destructoid review II read back during Battlefield 3’s release that wondered why they even bothered with a campaign. Although, nowhere near perfect, I would have to disagree and say I enjoyed it.

The campaign’s storyline is centered around a CIA interrogation of a soldier and how he fits into a recently executed terrorist plot that blew up Paris and is heading for the US. Each of these interrogation cutscenes is the set up for the succeeding level and weaves the player through time and different parts of the world. While the story is derivative of most of the other stories in these COD/MOH games, I must say this one is pretty easy to follow unlike the Black Ops and Modern Warfare series where I never really know what the hell is going on except in the most basic narrative way. Black Ops II in particular is great in the set-pieces and visuals, but sort of nonsensical in plot, further confused as you move back and forth between the 80’s and the future.

Each Call of Duty campaign also has at least one pause and replay mind-blowing moment – from the nuclear blast in the original modern warfare, to the aforementioned zero-gravity plane crash in Modern Warfare 3, as well as the collapse of the Eiffel Tower in the same game. Sad to say, Battlefield 3 had no truly insane moments in it – but it almost – almost – makes up for it with its slow-burn plot and one particular moment of that reminded me of the Nick Berg tragedy. That moment was not so much visually powerful, but rather emotionally charged, particularly since it playing out in a first-person perspective. I thought it was a particularly ballsy.

The last thing worth mentioning about the campaign is its visual style and palette. Its obvious that the makers wanted something to differentiate it from the Call of Duty series since, by its very nature, it has to replicate a lot from Call of Duty right down to the control-scheme. They chose to color the game in a lot of blacks, blues and silvers. It gives the game a cool dark sheen that complements the goings-on of the story. Add to that lots of lens flare effects and water drops (which it could be argued are a little overdone as sometimes I felt relatively blind when the screen as drenched with all these effects, but then again, it complements the chaos of war) and you have a game that looks like nothing that has come before. The game also brags about its almost “next-gen” graphics and requires an extra hard-drive download of 1.some Gigs to move the game to HD. I installed this pack and honestly didn’t find the graphics to be any more superior to those of the last Call of Duty game on my Xbox 360.

All in all I found the campaign to be worth my time – about 6 to 8 hours – and about 400 achievement points. As I stated the real strength here lies in the multiplayer which evidently has huge maps and the ability to allow up to 164 players on a map – as opposed to COD’s 30 or 40.

I’m actually holding on to the game for now to see if they kids are interested in a second copy with which to try the multiplayer. If I do I may return to this post and add my thoughts on that as well.